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Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Dear Doctor Laura...Can I buy a Canadian?

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian :)

Touché, Professor Kauffman.
This is too much, I had to laugh through the whole read, And that is allowed by Lev. 49:51 - so I've been told.
Thanks for posting, you made my evening Gary.
Hoist with their own petard is always the best. I'm sorry I missed this when you posted it a couple of days ago but the enjoyment I got from it tonight will see me through getting up for work tomorrow morning.
good old fashioned values......
it would be interesteing to read her reply.
Beth - nice to hear from you!

Zee - making you laugh? My work is done.

Susan - what the hell is a petard?

Claire - yes, those good old fashioned Biblical values. We have to put up with so much interpretation today. Can't even own a slave or 10 wives...
It's an explosive.. hurt, ruined, or destroyed by the very device or plot one had intended for another.
Do you think I could own a nice Canadian man who wears eyeliner? I would like that.

Dr. Laura Dr. Schmaura. Bah.
Very entertaining.
The Old Testament can only be understood from the cultural background as to when it was written in the varying literary styles evident in the stories, myths and metaphors from many different authors. Leviticus maintained the priestly ritualistic sacrificial tradition designed to culturally separate Jews from the pagan practices nearby subsequent to the Babylonian Exile. The basis of the text was from the perspective of a purely religious ritualistic perceived purity rather than from any ethically based rational basis.
Best wishes
Thanks Lindsay. As usual you shed light on a subject. I wish Dr. Laura had your perspective as she confuses the masses on national radio...


isn't there anything in Leviticus about bigots?
I've heard that even if you own a Canadian, you have to provide it with health insurance, or it won't work at al.
not Dorothy knows her stuff. and even if you do provide it with health insurance, it will complain bitterly about the service.
On the other hand, "petard" means something entirely different in Leviticus, and hoisting it can get you stoned. Or at least a little high.

They were having a little trouble with this issue in Vermont last year, too.
Red Sea Pedestrian Vuvuzela. Hear me roar!!!

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